Me, Myself & "I"
“Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything I've got.”
puterron
- Recovery Clock -
My Second Birthday Is
January 1, 2025
January 1, 2025
- At A Glance -
Me, Myself and "I"
("Me" = The Person Your Talking To)
("Myself" = Me Talking To Myself)
("I" = Your SELFISH Addicted Demon)
11 Years Alcohol Addiction
2 Years Pill Addiction
20 Years Methamphetamine Addiction
- Road To Addiction -
2005-2020
The Addiction With Out Feeling Guilty
(15 Years)
Before my "major" addiction started. I can easily say, while looking back at those years... I was an alcoholic as well as a pill popper. However those two addictions were short lived as I learned my lesson with both of these addictions. Pill Popping became simply boring to me. When I was 32 years old I got a DWI. $10,000., loss of Licence for 6 months, DUI Classes and embarrassment=lesson learned for me. I now can control drinking. I can now go out and have 2 or 3 drinks and stop. And no longer addicted to any pills.
So you can definitively say I have a addictive personality...
With that said....
In or Around 2005, I unfortunately got into a relationship with someone that was already addicted. (I do blame him for introducing me but my addiction was my own decision to keep it going). Before this point in my life was totally against drugs. I already have low self-esteem and I am usually the "fly on the wall" (I do have a breaking point though). I'm quiet by nature, shy around big groups of people or people I don't know. So finally someone gave me some attention. For that reason I believe I ignored my warning sirens going off. To be honest, I did not really "LIKE" this person to much. He is the biggest Narcissist YOU will ever meet. We really had absolutely noting in common. Still, he gave me attention, maybe to use me for something he could gain in his life, who knows. At first he was rude to others, make fun of others and such but was never directed to me. Within a year or so we had moved in together and then the being "rude" to me started up. It took my already low self esteem down lower. Right before we moved (we already had everything set to move) Meth was introduced to me by him. Also during this first session, he told me he had to do like 5 days in County Jail because days earlier drug related thing. You think I would all stop everything right there. Nope, I drove him to jail and picked him up. This is what you do in a good healthy relationship, right? Not going to get into the body of the relationship or my addiction. But I got out of control real fast. The trap door beneath my feet opened up when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. At this point in my addiction, I already did meth daily but after the diagnosis, I ran to meth more. Meth killed all my feelings, good and bad. I lost interest in everything I love to do. I eventually lost my carer job of 32 years to this addiction. I stopped talking to all my friends. The first 15 years. I now look back at the destruction of my life.
2020-2025
The Addiction With Feeling Guilty
(5 Years)
Halloween Night, October 2020. Was my first I can member thinking to my self, I have a problem and I need to stop and live clean. I did a life inventory for my future. My partner was not part of this. This is very important, as I also realised now I have to stand up to him. And I DID. From this point on, I refused to give in to his anger, sharp mouth, rude controlling Aries behaviour. He tried his usual Narcissist behaviour toward me, he quickly found it was not going to work any longer. From this point on, anytime he would come at me, he was meet with me coming back at him, NO coward any longer. He actually backed-up and when I raised my voice over his and kept walking toward him.
To really "Change" I believe YOU, YOURSELF can only make your own change. NOBODY can make this decision for you. It was my decision to be a addict. It is now my decision to be clean. (i hate hearing the excuse, you can't get clean because of the addiction, being a addict is a choice.) Forcing someone to go to a program is worthless, unless the person themselves desire a change.
As far as "god" goes. I do not believe in "god". I do believe in spirits. I believe there are evil and good spirits. I believe we all can be "good" spirited people = "GODS" or we can be evil spirited people = "DEVILS" So you create your own heaven or hell by the people you surround yourself with. "Birds of a feather flock together".
I moved out of our apartment and moved out of the east bay to Modesto. Starting a new life. I hoped. For the first 6 months I was doing good. Stayed clean. However These 5 years in Modesto were riddled with on and off relapses. The difference now though was I knew what I wanted, to be clean, and when I used, I felt GUILTY. I spent 5 years doing this broken record... get clean, get a new job, excited that I am doing good - changing my life, get my own apartment, once Stable I would then listen to the devil inside me and relapse, then loosing my job, apartment and Stability because of the addiction. This Does Not Create A Good Reputation.
2023 - 2025 I rarely used. I used during the holidays and when the feeling of being lonely became unbearable. LONELY=friends as well as intimacy. You see, because of my addiction, I left my relationship (although was a good decision) as well as lost all my friends. So when I was fighting to be clean, I had nothing. Feeling lonely Desiring friends or intimacy are not good reasons to relapse. The people you meet while addicted are not friends, just want to use you for something. Forget about anything like a relationship.
JC Penny, Planet Fitness, Target, Tesla, Sky River fell victim to my addiction. December of 2024 I got my current job... determined to make it this time. December 31, 2024 was my last time using Meth PERIOD. As Of January 1, 2025. I have been clean.
So Now In my life, I am searching for true friends.
- Road To Recovery -
Project 1: Get A New Phone Number.
"I" Got A New Google/Apple Accounts for Contacts.
Do not "backup" and "restore" your contacts from old account to new account. DELETE YOUR OLD ACCOUNTS. Why do this: Do Not Allow Your Old Life Into Your New One. This will help redue any relapses aswell. Watch the Apps you install. Don't install Apps you used in your 'Old Life" (at least immediately block people on Apps)
Project 2: Redirect Your Brain.
"I" soaked my brain in audio/video I LOVE.
I soaked my brain in Disneyland and Madonna videos any time my "Demon" in my brain tried to speak up. Redirect your thoughts. Silence that Demon! At first its FUCKING hard. But just keep soaking your self with music, movies, videos of artists that you LOVE. Also this is a great time to look for new artists or new things you like to watch. I LOVE YouTube because of this...and with your NEW ACCOUNT, your building NEW ALGORITHM. It will take time but it will work.
Project 3: Job.
"I" want a good Stable Job.
I put several job applications out. I put some applications in that I though I would not be eligible to get due to no experience. One such job called me and I was honest and told them I have hardly any experience but I was willing to learn and do my 100 percent at the job. Well, I started my current job in December 2024. And I'm still there. There are several things I don't like about the job. But these problems are exactly the same at all jobs.
Project 4: Gym
Project 5: NA Meetings
Project 6: Roadtrips
Trampoline Park, Great Wolf Water Park, Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, California's Great America, Website
- My Recovery Calendar -
Mon
Work
Meeting
Gym
Trampoline
Waterpark
Tues
Work
Meeting
Gym
Trampoline
Waterpark
Wed
Work
Meeting
Gym
Trampoline
Waterpark
Sun
Meeting
Fri
Work
Meeting
Gym
Trampoline
Waterpark
Sat
My Day Off
Six Flags
Thu
Work
Meeting
Gym
Trampoline
Waterpark
- Motivation -
Intervention Episode That Impacted Me
"Robbie's Story"
Season 16, Episode 13
Robbie Has Been Sober Since
September 1, 2016
Michael Jackson - Man In The Mirror
Madonna - Celebration
Disneyland
"Disneyland Forever"
Disneyland
"Indiana Jones Adventure: Temple of the Forbidden Eye"
California's Great America
Santa Clara, CA
Walk-Through
Discovery Kingdom
Vallejo, CA
Walk-Through